Baby Dè Crudo:

Ingredients:

Babies

Go to your local grocery store and steal their largest paper bag from their front end. Then break into a maternity ward at your local hospital with no plan at all but to nab as many babies as possible and just throw all the babies you can fit into the paper bag. If the crying starts to irritate you, just throw the bag at the wall, it will reduce the decibel rating by about 25%. Then once you have finally returned to your humble abode. Look through your grocery bag of tender, plump morsels, choose a winner and slap it on your dinner table. For kicks you can push the soft spot in millions of times to watch the baby squirm with delight, because to them it's like they're being tickled. Then with your knife and fork handy, dig into the fresh raw baby and eat to your heart's content. If you are having guests over, be sure to give them a whole baby per person. (eating tip: when you get to the intestines, pretend it's spaghetti, use your fork to twirl it up, to get the most in your mouth at once).

-Recipe by Phil Hoffman